The Payoff in Choosing Goodness
On a recent walk in nature, I crossed paths with a man talking with his son. He looked a bit familiar but I wasn’t quite sure if I knew him. A few steps after we passed each other, he called my name. I turned back and he said that he and his wife come to our Berkeley meditation group from time to time. We exchanged pleasantries and then he told me that the next day he was going to have major surgery, a 10-hour operation, and he was taking in nature and having an important conversation with his son.
He wanted me to know how meaningful the meditation practice and teachings were for him at this time. I was glad to hear that and asked him what the essence was that’s been so helpful. He replied in a very sincere and moving way that a major gift was orienting him to the goodness in life. He could feel the power of being able to hold things in a more positive, trusting light, rather than being lost in negativity. He was taking in all the love that people were sending his way and felt incredibly supported at this time. I wished him all the best and told him I’d be thinking of him the next day.
I was struck by his comment and felt my own deep appreciation for how the practice holds us, especially in difficult times. That major re-orientation makes all the difference. It reminded me of a pithy teaching from one of my early guides: “The Dharma protects those who protect the Dharma.”
With all the negativity bombarding us every day, I feel so grateful that the teachings are a buffer to help me from getting dragged down. We need a lot of buffering these days. It’s so easy to get stirred up, reacting to the mean-spiritedness we read in the headlines. Anger and hate are seductive. Although we might have the best intentions, it’s all too easy to get triggered and have our own negative response. It takes real practice to embody a famous Buddhist teaching: “Hatred never ceases from hatred. Hatred only ceases from love. This is an ancient and eternal law.”
A central principle of the teachings is that greed, hatred and delusion (i.e. attachment, aversion, ignorance) are the sources of suffering and non-greed, non-hatred, and non-delusion are the sources of happiness. But the former is so seductive, and consistently remembering the latter is a lifetime practice.
We know that feeling of righteous indignation. Have you ever had the thought “They deserve it” as you click the send button for an angry email that you soon regret? It’s humbling when I feel the same dagger eyes inside me that I condemn in those “less conscious“ then I think myself to be.
Practice doesn’t mean getting rid of those reactions. Any time we can see them without identifying with them (blaming ourselves for having those thoughts) we are not creating more suffering. We can humbly embrace our humanity and feel more connected to others instead of hiding ourselves in shame. The awareness that sees the reaction can hold it with kindness and clarity. When we’re able to do this there is an added benefit: we understand how others can easily get lost in their thoughts and do hurtful things. This is the basis of true compassion. The essence of compassion practice is “Just like me.”
The Payoff in Anger and Hatred
I was curious why we choose to speak or act unskillfully even when we rationally know it may lead to guilt and regret. I discovered that there are payoffs in expressing negative emotions. The brain processes those feelings in a way that is rewarding and motivating. Anger and hatred focus attention, give us a sense of purpose, appeal to our sense of justice and elicit a feeling of power and control.
Experiencing anger or expressing outrage can activate the brain's reward system, specifically areas associated with pleasure and positive reinforcement. When someone, driven by anger, engages in an action such as punishing perceived unfairness, the brain releases dopamine, a neurotransmitter that is linked to reward and motivation. This makes the act of expressing anger or hate feel good, reinforcing the behavior. There’s a reason why it sometimes “feels good to be bad.”
All Buddhist teachings can be summarized in one short instruction found in the Dhammapada: “Do no harm. Cultivate the good. Purify the mind.” We practice living with integrity not only because we want people to think well of us, but because it is the foundation of inner peace. Guilt and regret are natural consequences of hurting others. It’s amazing how often people choose it anyway.
The Four Wise Efforts
For me, one of the most powerful teachings in all of Buddhism is understanding the Four Wise Efforts. These are about practices connected with four mind states, two unwholesome (akusala, mind states associated with suffering) and two wholesome (kusala, those associated with happiness).
The Four Wise Efforts are:
guarding against unwholesome states
learning how to overcome them when they arise (which they do for all of us)
cultivating wholesome states
when they arise, maintaining and increasing them
When I see myself or others doing dumb things, what helps me lighten my judgment or self-criticism is realizing that we are all products of our conditioning. Each of us has developed habits that don’t serve us, even though we may “know better.” According to one study from the University of Iowa, the average 2-year-old child hears 432 negative comments or words per day versus 32 positive ones. That kind of negativity shapes our world view.
In another study, “80 percent of children entering the first grade scored high on the self-esteem inventory. By the fifth grade only 20 percent of the children were scoring high. And by the time they graduated from high school that number was down to just 5 percent.”
Who is to blame for our negativity bias? No one. We’re all creatures of habit, just acting out what we’ve learned. On top of the conditioning that we received from our family and others in childhood, there’s the conditioning of algorithms feeding us incendiary news designed to ignite our senses. On top of all this, most of us have internalized the story of Original Sin for which we need to earn forgiveness and redemption. It’s a wonder that any of us develop positive self-regard!
The Neuroscience of Goodness
Now let’s look at the neuroscience behind why we choose to “cultivate the good.” According to Dr. Dacher Keltner, Director of UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, “There's an area of the brain, the nucleus accumbens, the dopamine circuit, which gives you pleasure. Producing acts of kindness makes you feel good.”
Keltner explains that kindness feels good because it triggers the brain’s reward system, releasing chemicals that enhance positive feelings and make us more likely to repeat such behaviors. This process is sometimes referred to as the “helper’s high,” creating a sense of well-being for both giver and receiver. Three chemicals are released:
Dopamine: Dopamine reinforces kindness, creating a ‘feel-good’ sensation that motivates us to keep doing good. When we perform a kind act, dopamine floods our system, providing a rewarding rush of happiness.
Oxytocin: Known as the “bonding hormone,” oxytocin fosters trust and connection, strengthening social bonds. Acts of kindness increase oxytocin levels, reducing stress and promoting mental health.
Endorphins: These natural painkillers reduce pain and induce feelings of euphoria, reinforcing kind actions with physical and emotional benefits.
Keltner says that we also underestimate how much our acts of kindness impact other people's well-being, how much they lift them up. Research shows that goodness is contagious. “If you give something to somebody else, they're more likely to give it to the next person, even if you're not there, and so on…When people benefit from kindness they ‘pay it forward’ by helping others who were not originally involved, and this creates a cascade of cooperation that influences dozens more in a social network.”
One experiment was with 122 people with depression and anxiety. Some were instructed to perform three acts of kindness each day, for two days out of the week. Others received cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), talk therapy where psychologists help patients challenge the basis of their negative thoughts.
And the results were striking. Those who did the random acts of kindness showed a much greater degree of improvement for social connection and a greater degree of improvement for life satisfaction than those who did the cognitive therapy techniques.
We Have a Choice
How does it feel inside when you speak or act unskillfully? How about when your actions are based in kindness? You do not need to be steeped in Buddhist philosophy to experience which one brings you greater happiness. One of the main benefits of training the mind through meditation is that it gives us the choice to respond in a way that leads to well-being. Without practice, we are run by whatever short term impulse will give us the quickest feel-good reward, usually driven by attachment or aversion. Going for that quick dopamine hit means being caught in unconsciously reacting to experience.
Through meditation, we can learn to slow down enough to listen to the wisdom inside. It’s right there in our hard wiring. Rather than unconsciously reacting, we are able to wisely respond to experience. When coupled with an understanding of what brings genuine happiness, we can cultivate those wholesome kusala states rather than the unwholesome akusala states that lead to more suffering. I sometimes think the whole journey of awakening is about learning the power of delayed gratification. And it takes practice to do that.
The Buddha puts it this way: “Whatever we think and ponder upon becomes the inclination of our mind.” The more we habitually choose goodness and act with a kind heart, the more happiness and joy become our default setting. It’s all a matter of patience and practice. As long as we are committed to cultivating the wiser choice, we are facing in the direction of true well-being.